In the Midst of Chaos

It has been years since I have posted, valleys and peaks of my life have come and gone, and I have survived. I am older, and wiser, and much, much more tired. I never knew that life would attack me like that: that it would rob me of my energy. When I had young kids, I was breastfeeding, waking up through the night, working out during the day, and planning fundraisers -- in between holding down my job. Now, I feel as if I am waning, my energy levels have crested. And today, today, kicked me while I wasn't looking. I went back to work full time a few years ago, and then changed jobs. All the glory that comes with being management: traveling even when it's inconvenient to your family, working late, weekends on the job…but still, I have managed to embrace it all. Until tonight. When I walked in from a long day, the dishes were piled up, not only in the sink, but everywhere else in the house. The kids have been off school for almost three weeks now, so they have gotten used to leaving things around (not that they have been trained any better, but since I am not home, nobody is making them put things away). As I wearily did the dishes, fed the kids, put water and food in the dog's dish, I ordered them up to their baths. And then I lost it. Then I decided, as much of a feminist as I am, I am going to start telling my daughter to marry someone with a career, and a job. I found myself in my room, the blankets and pillows all on the floor, the laundry overflowing, and wet bathing suits littering the bathroom floors. "Of course," I thought, as I slapped my hand to my forehead, "how could I forget that my second job is to come home and clean the house?" I envy my neighbors, whose husbands are out working 14 hour days, and their one job is to take care of the kids and keep the house clean. How easy is that?! I do that on top of my day job! And, they don't have to worry about cleaning up after their husband, too, because he hasn't been home all day. This is what I see: they wake up early, get the kids breakfast, take the kids with them while they go work out, shop for dinner, maybe take a nap, and while away the hours of the day until dinner. At that time, it's happy hour, and the wine comes out. Do they have to think about getting up the next day for work? Nah, they just have to get up. Do they have to sneak off to the park during lunch just to fit in a workout? Nah, they bring the kids to the gym they pay hundreds of dollars for, where babysitters await like waiters to serve their kids. Do they have to clip coupons or run to cheaper stores, just to make sure the checks don't bounce? Nah, they shop online and buy expensive clothing, because their husband makes a lot of money. Certainly more money than me. Because statistics prove that men always make more money than women. What was the point again of me proving that I wanted a career? Why was I not thinking that I should have made sure my husband had a career, so that I could choose whether I wanted to work or not? These, these are the lessons I teach my girl. I will teach her how to make life work for her, and then she can reap the rewards. Everyone tells me life is too short to not be happy with what you are doing: well, they forgot about the part about sometimes you have to suck it up and just do it because you have people rely on you. I love my kids, I love my husband, but I never thought I would be here, at this age, still trying to keep my head above water. I want more.