Emotional Weather

Weather update: the storm has passed, leaving a desolate, destructive landscape. But, folks, there is a rainbow in the sky, faint, but growing stronger. All is calm. Just a month ago, I was told my position would be eliminated. I didn't rant and rave, I calmly asked what the benefits would be, and asked about the details. "You are handling this so well," HR Lady told me. "Come on," I said, trying to still the note of bitterness in my voice, "we are all professionals here. What did you think I would do?" Meanwhile, my stomach had started to knot up, in that familiar way when something has gone very, very wrong. I could not think about my kids, or my house, or my friends. I could only put one foot in front of the other and go back to my desk. Back to the place that I will vacate in two months. I wasn't sure whether it was good or bad that they gave me a few months to stay on and find a new job. Could I outlive the embarrassment? We had decided nobody needed to know until I resigned (or found another job, whichever came first). I wanted both, and neither. But when I went home and cried for a few days, fighting the terror of the unknown, I steeled myself to get up and get moving. My life had no time for pity parties that stretched for days. I had to get back up and get a job. My life, my kids, my husband, depended on it. The first few days are always the hardest. No matter what kind of bad news you get, it's always those first three days that hit you like a lead pipe in the stomach. They take your breath away and rob you of peace, even while you sleep. I knew that the first three days would be crucial: get through it, and get over it. (Which always seems easier when my number one first aid item is available: wine). I cringed, I cried, I hid, and I lied. That is what was necessary, and what got me through the first 72 hours. Then, I got up and worked out, took a shower, and went back to the office. It was time, I had to start. My resume was first, then the job search began in earnest. By the first week, I had landed four interviews for the following week. Things were looking up. I am now down to the last month, and there are some possibilities brewing, but nothing is for sure. What I think is an offer could be a total misfire. The funny thing is, this is my second time getting laid off from a job, and I wonder, is it me? Is my personality too big for these companies? The circumstances were different, but I was the same. I had dinner with my previous boss last night, who originally hired me for the position. He was upset at the circumstances, and was sad that I was in this position. But, I told him, "I know I was a business decision" and he has companies to run. I was an easier loss than the other party (yes, it was a conflict of personalities). I knew I would never win when the person told me a year ago that "he felt he had to walk on eggshells around me because I remind him of his wife." Whoa! Besides the fact that he totally made it personal, he also denigrated me and what I do. He would never see me as anything other than a stand-in for his wife. And so the dance began...and ended, as it must. But I am happier now. I feel good about myself, and I see so much more. I see my kids, and my husband, and the light of the moon as I walk my dog. I smell the air as it whistles through the trees. I have slowed down my life and can see the secrets of the moments. There is life among the living, and power within knowing that.