Emotional Weather

Weather update: the storm has passed, leaving a desolate, destructive landscape. But, folks, there is a rainbow in the sky, faint, but growing stronger. All is calm. Just a month ago, I was told my position would be eliminated. I didn't rant and rave, I calmly asked what the benefits would be, and asked about the details. "You are handling this so well," HR Lady told me. "Come on," I said, trying to still the note of bitterness in my voice, "we are all professionals here. What did you think I would do?" Meanwhile, my stomach had started to knot up, in that familiar way when something has gone very, very wrong. I could not think about my kids, or my house, or my friends. I could only put one foot in front of the other and go back to my desk. Back to the place that I will vacate in two months. I wasn't sure whether it was good or bad that they gave me a few months to stay on and find a new job. Could I outlive the embarrassment? We had decided nobody needed to know until I resigned (or found another job, whichever came first). I wanted both, and neither. But when I went home and cried for a few days, fighting the terror of the unknown, I steeled myself to get up and get moving. My life had no time for pity parties that stretched for days. I had to get back up and get a job. My life, my kids, my husband, depended on it. The first few days are always the hardest. No matter what kind of bad news you get, it's always those first three days that hit you like a lead pipe in the stomach. They take your breath away and rob you of peace, even while you sleep. I knew that the first three days would be crucial: get through it, and get over it. (Which always seems easier when my number one first aid item is available: wine). I cringed, I cried, I hid, and I lied. That is what was necessary, and what got me through the first 72 hours. Then, I got up and worked out, took a shower, and went back to the office. It was time, I had to start. My resume was first, then the job search began in earnest. By the first week, I had landed four interviews for the following week. Things were looking up. I am now down to the last month, and there are some possibilities brewing, but nothing is for sure. What I think is an offer could be a total misfire. The funny thing is, this is my second time getting laid off from a job, and I wonder, is it me? Is my personality too big for these companies? The circumstances were different, but I was the same. I had dinner with my previous boss last night, who originally hired me for the position. He was upset at the circumstances, and was sad that I was in this position. But, I told him, "I know I was a business decision" and he has companies to run. I was an easier loss than the other party (yes, it was a conflict of personalities). I knew I would never win when the person told me a year ago that "he felt he had to walk on eggshells around me because I remind him of his wife." Whoa! Besides the fact that he totally made it personal, he also denigrated me and what I do. He would never see me as anything other than a stand-in for his wife. And so the dance began...and ended, as it must. But I am happier now. I feel good about myself, and I see so much more. I see my kids, and my husband, and the light of the moon as I walk my dog. I smell the air as it whistles through the trees. I have slowed down my life and can see the secrets of the moments. There is life among the living, and power within knowing that.

In the Midst of Chaos

It has been years since I have posted, valleys and peaks of my life have come and gone, and I have survived. I am older, and wiser, and much, much more tired. I never knew that life would attack me like that: that it would rob me of my energy. When I had young kids, I was breastfeeding, waking up through the night, working out during the day, and planning fundraisers -- in between holding down my job. Now, I feel as if I am waning, my energy levels have crested. And today, today, kicked me while I wasn't looking. I went back to work full time a few years ago, and then changed jobs. All the glory that comes with being management: traveling even when it's inconvenient to your family, working late, weekends on the job…but still, I have managed to embrace it all. Until tonight. When I walked in from a long day, the dishes were piled up, not only in the sink, but everywhere else in the house. The kids have been off school for almost three weeks now, so they have gotten used to leaving things around (not that they have been trained any better, but since I am not home, nobody is making them put things away). As I wearily did the dishes, fed the kids, put water and food in the dog's dish, I ordered them up to their baths. And then I lost it. Then I decided, as much of a feminist as I am, I am going to start telling my daughter to marry someone with a career, and a job. I found myself in my room, the blankets and pillows all on the floor, the laundry overflowing, and wet bathing suits littering the bathroom floors. "Of course," I thought, as I slapped my hand to my forehead, "how could I forget that my second job is to come home and clean the house?" I envy my neighbors, whose husbands are out working 14 hour days, and their one job is to take care of the kids and keep the house clean. How easy is that?! I do that on top of my day job! And, they don't have to worry about cleaning up after their husband, too, because he hasn't been home all day. This is what I see: they wake up early, get the kids breakfast, take the kids with them while they go work out, shop for dinner, maybe take a nap, and while away the hours of the day until dinner. At that time, it's happy hour, and the wine comes out. Do they have to think about getting up the next day for work? Nah, they just have to get up. Do they have to sneak off to the park during lunch just to fit in a workout? Nah, they bring the kids to the gym they pay hundreds of dollars for, where babysitters await like waiters to serve their kids. Do they have to clip coupons or run to cheaper stores, just to make sure the checks don't bounce? Nah, they shop online and buy expensive clothing, because their husband makes a lot of money. Certainly more money than me. Because statistics prove that men always make more money than women. What was the point again of me proving that I wanted a career? Why was I not thinking that I should have made sure my husband had a career, so that I could choose whether I wanted to work or not? These, these are the lessons I teach my girl. I will teach her how to make life work for her, and then she can reap the rewards. Everyone tells me life is too short to not be happy with what you are doing: well, they forgot about the part about sometimes you have to suck it up and just do it because you have people rely on you. I love my kids, I love my husband, but I never thought I would be here, at this age, still trying to keep my head above water. I want more.