Changes

I had a meeting at work today about going back to work full time. In the next few weeks, it will happen. It's a good thing, career-wise, for me, but it makes me sad. I have been able to be home part-time with my kids for the last six years, and that has been incredible. But, Erik and I both realize that in order to have a good life, we need more income. That means me. Actually, it's a really ideal time to go back to work because we have had several reorganizations within the company, and I either go back full-time now or I will probably be eliminated later on. I will miss so many things, though. Getting up with the kids and making pancakes...going for walks to the library or Trader Joes...doing puzzles with Tess while I drink my coffee...having an impromptu playdate with a neighbor...sleeping in...

It's a good thing. I really do believe that. I had a great conversation with the COO, and the role that I will take on, worldwide marketing communications, will actually be a promotion for me. I'm excited about it. But, I dread having to leave every day, five days in a row, for a full day. It's not like other parents don't do it every day, I've just been spoiled. I don't know that I will ever be the mom who gets to greet Owen when he gets home anymore. And I still haven't figured out what we do about the kids. Sure, Erik is working from home, but we both know you can't get much done with the kids at home. So, it's either more preschool or a nanny. And, to boot, the kids are off for the summer, and that's the hardest time.

I love my kids so much it makes my heart hurt sometimes, but there is a part of me that can't stand the summer boredom. And, we can't afford camp for them all. Owen will attend some sort of summer school for four weeks, but that's it. To be honest, I wish school was all year-round. Unfortunately, living in LA, you have to pay through the nose to have your kids in school all year round. But we will manage. And my biggest fear, that they will grow up without me being there, will happen. But I have to believe that they will also thrive and learn to grow up and eventually become amazing human beings. And maybe being a working mom might help them understand the world as it is. I already miss them.